Set Free

Hey everyone Abbey reporting back to you! 

As I was stomping my feet, full of anger and bitterness, on a hike in Quepos, Costa Rica. I was reminded of every camp hike I had ever been on when I was growing up; where I was towards the back of the group. I was reminded of hiking in Utah and South Dakota last summer when I was at my “healthiest”. All of me was longing to go back to that time when I was fit and a hike was a walk in the park. I had finally made it to the top, I couldn’t even see the view of the ocean because my eyes welled with tears. As the rest of my team made it up I tried to muster up a smile and after taking a couple of pictures I told one of my teammates I was going back down and I didn’t want anyone to follow me. Everything within me wanted to scream, I didn’t know what to do with myself, so alone I walked down the trail. Stopping every so often to sit and just cry. I yelled at the Lord, I thought the most unkind things about myself, and comparison towards myself and others was eating away at me. I knew I was in a spiritual battle but I chose to sit. What happened? Why was I so upset? 

As most of you know I had previously fractured my ankle and was not supposed to be hiking at the time. What started with feeling like no one cared, spiraled into my disordered thoughts about my body, flaring up full force. It hit me that I was being spiritually attacked and I decided to pray, at that point I was desperate to give Him my thoughts. They became more intense and I ended up at the bottom of the trail, on a log, where I was later able to process my thoughts with an old teammate. From this point on I tried to be more intentional with giving these thoughts of myself and food obsession to the Lord. Despite stepping more into this battle in my mind, with prayer, the thoughts of my body and food were all-consuming. I didn’t know what else to do, a similar situation happened in Turkey. I was unable to try local foods that my team was able to, I felt left out and was upset that I couldn’t have the experiences they were having right in front of me. As my team and I were walking back home one night, we had 500 stairs we had to hike up, I was trying everything in my power to avoid the stairs. Offering to pay for a taxi or coming up with new routes in my head. I felt incapable and upset about my physical state. The trigger of not being able to eat certain foods later spiraled into comparing where I used to be physically fit to now. These thoughts truly have been a part of me, ever since I can remember. I thought they were normal but the more I have been bringing this mental battle with food and body image to the light, the more clarity I have found. 

Okay fast forward to now my team just got out of a meeting up with the rest of the squad in Canakkale, Turkey to debrief before heading to Georgia. While at debrief I was able to be freed from the root of my eating disorder. Although the thoughts are still there and I am still in a spiritual battle, they are not all-consuming. The best comparison I can give you is when someone has a drinking problem. When you’ve been sober for a while and the urge to drink gets less and less. You’re able to say no and reroute your mind quicker and easier. That’s the current stage I’m in now. Choosing to think differently and I am quicker to give these thoughts to the Lord. They are frequent but when you go from all-consuming to not always thinking about it. That is HUGE, the Lord is so kind, and His timing is perfect. I had to learn that I have to put in the effort and it is on me what I think about and how long I dwell on things. 

This growth and knowledge I’ve been applying were prevalent on an impromptu hike I took with others on the squad during an all-squad fun day. We all went to a castle in anticipation to explore the historical area, when we got to the gate the guards told us it was currently closed. There was a beach nearby, a lookout point, and a hang-out spot where you could just sit. I was planning on going to the beach avoiding the hike but felt like the Lord was challenging me to go. Last-minute I jumped in and told my squad leader about the fears and anxiety I was feeling with the hike. I told her I was nervous about being in the back because I had not been disciplined with working out since I’ve been cleared to. I told her about my camp hike experiences and things people have projected onto me at a young age due to my weight. She prayed for me and we all hiked up to the top. As we were nearing the top of the lookout she asked if I had noticed if I saw I was in the front with some trailing behind. Sheepishly I said yes, and felt the Lord smiling down on me. We all made it to the top, I pulled out my camera, and everyone went off exploring.

After a while, I grabbed my journal and found the perfect shaded area. I put on a playlist the Lord and I are making together and started thanking Him. Thanking Him for the renewed mind He’s given me. Praising Him that my ankle is healed and that I had the opportunity to even go hiking. My eyes started welling with tears this time I was joyful and thankful for how far God has taken me, physically and emotionally. 

These are some of the photos I took at the top of the lookout, of my squad leader and dear friend Jenna. 

I am no longer held by strongholds I’ve let control my thoughts and emotions. This is still a battle I am facing but I am walking in more and more freedom. I know the finish line is creeping closer. God gets all of the glory and I truly could not do it without Him. Although the battle has already been won, I know it is coming to an end very soon.

Here is the top of the lookout overseeing the castle we were supposed to explore. 

What do you need to fully surrender to the Lord? Where is your shaded spot with Him, the space you can go and leave your strongholds behind? I challenge you to put on your favorite song with the Lord and ask Him what you need to surrender to Him.